[ back ]  Famous World Ideologies,
 as Explained by Reference to Cows:

  Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

 
  Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.

 
  Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

 
  Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

 
  Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

 
  Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

 
  Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

 
  Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

 
  Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

 
  Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

 
  Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

 
  Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

 
  Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

 
  British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

 
  Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

 
  Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

 
  Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

 
  Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

 
  Enviromentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

 
  Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

 
  Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 
  ....A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor, who doesn't have one, and make him join your church.

 
  ....A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives the milk it to your neighbors.

 
  ....A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

 
  ....A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel stupidly righteous.

 
  ....A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

 
  ....A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of overthrow the government.

 
  ....A TERRORIST:
You don't have any cows, so you blow things up.

 
  ....DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

 
  ....CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 
  ....SOCIALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

 
  ....AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 
  ....A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

 
  ....A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

 
  ....A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 
  ....AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

 
  ....A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 
  ....A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you are not sure. You take a nap.

 
  ....A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

 
  ....A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

 
  ....AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

 
  ....A TALIBAN:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they are stolen. You blame the godless American infidels.

 

... many thanks must go to Trina Roach-Raschke :-)


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